Adam … His True Story
Hello everyone and welcome to this week’s edition of Love Sex and Marriage. I will start by giving God the Glory for this article, it is indeed a miraculous one and I hope you find it as educative and interesting as I have.
I had taken some of my shoes and bags for repairs and as I sat with the cobbler (who surprisingly is our narrator), an interesting conversation that lasted for about an hour ensued between us. Yes, for anonymity’s sake, I will call him Adam and yes, after our hour-long discussions (he talked more, I listened more), I told him I write and asked if I could share his life experiences on this blog. He was quite surprised but gave me his consent to share. Happy reading and learning!
Adam is a graduate of Business Administration from the University of Lagos. He presently repairs shoes and bags while still searching for a white-collar job. He is happily married with two children.
Adam says, “When a man sees the woman who is meant to be his wife, he will know (sometimes, immediately), same for a woman too. It however sometimes does not work out because the man or woman misused the opportunity or missed their chance. Before I met my wife, I had dated other ladies. Why did I not marry any of them you may ask?
One was a liar (let us call her Kemi): she will tell you something is white, whereas it is black. You see Yvonne, one day Kemi and I were together and her phone rang. She picked it up and kept saying to this person that she was at a particular street (let us say in Palmgrove, Lagos), and the person should not worry, that soon, he/she will see her because she is walking up the street to meet the person, whereas Kemi was right beside me in (let us say Ikeja, Lagos) and did not leave that place the whole time. Kemi was used to saying all sorts of untrue things but once she made that phone conversation in my presence, I immediately crossed her out as a wife for me. If she could do that to someone else, soon, it would be me too. No man wants or sees trouble and goes and willingly carries it under his bosom as wife; no man wants a wife who will not bring him peace of mind.
Kemi and I soon went our separate ways. I married my wife and then came our two beautiful kids. A boy and a girl. Eight years rolled by and there was no communication between my ex and I until one day, my phone rang and it was her. She said she called to say hello. I said thank you. She asks: what has happened to me in eight years? I reply, that I am married with six children ( I deliberately lied, because I sensed that this woman was up to something and I wanted her to know that there is no space in my happy home for her, so I increased my children to six, so the crowded football team family will scare her off me). She exclaimed that I rushed my wife ( Six children in seven years!). I said, that is how we wanted it. Then I said good bye and hung up.
Next day, she calls… This time, she says, it is funny how eight years just rolled by and she just wants to reconnect with people from her past. I reply, Ok, I see. I have to go now, bye. Next day, she calls again… She says she is married with two kids but is wondering if we can meet. She just wants to confirm that I am well and happy, when she sees me, she will know. I reply, ‘Listen Kemi, I know these your useless games and I am not going to play them with you. Go away, I am happily married and with six children. I do not want any more responsibilities than I already have’. I hung up, thinking within me, ‘What is the point of smelling a meat that I cannot eat (adultery)? I also do not wish to smell it and be charmed/ attracted to it and eat it, fully aware that it is the wrong meat for me and therefore bad for me. The end of that meat-eating road is only pain and trouble, how I wish many men know this; the few minutes of sex are not worth the trouble at all!
Can you imagine the useless woman? I am sure she is calling others from her past too and is committing adultery. Is that what she would have done if I had married her instead? Truth be told, I kind of always knew she was not my wife from the beginning but tried to ignore that instincts because I had started to like her back then. Thank God, I did not marry her.
Another lady I was involved with while I was searching was just not it. One day, I went to her house unannounced, there, I found seven other men waiting for her too. See, I was street smart and immediately knew she was dating all of us. Everyone had turned up without informing her too and coincidentally, we showed up at the same time. This lady was sharp, she greeted all of us as if we were just her neighbours and soon began discharging each suitor with flimsy excuses. ( Here, I asked Adam to cite some of the excuses).
He says; women are very funny creatures, do you know that she told one that her eye hurts and therefore needs rest, so he should visit at some other time, that guy left. To another, her stomach aches… And so forth, till everyone left, I tried to go too but she insisted on escorting me and I just knew that to marry this girl, was to knowingly invite adultery to my home. See, men, we are simple creatures, a man in love, his yes is his yes and his no is his no. If that man truly loves you. Except that man does not truly love you. Listen, that he is crying and calling relentlessly and goes on his knees, calls you sweet names etcetera does not mean he loves you.
Sometimes, you need to put a man in a tough situation and watch how he responds. If he shuts you down, starts acting like a stranger, does not pick nor return your calls after “your test’’, then you know he was never in love with you. As a woman, you cannot catch a man cheating with other women while you two are still courting and you say to yourself ‘ it is because I am not with him always, when we marry, he will change”. You can never be with a man all the time! You cannot change a man too. Do not be deceived, if you married him promiscuous, he will remain a promiscuous but married man. I know I desired and prayed for a wife that her yes is her yes and her no is her no, who does not need to lie. Kemi and this other lady just kept lying, even in situations were there was no need for lies.
Then there is the other lady I really cared for. Let us call her Ruth. Ruth only had an OND and I had connections at a bank here in Lagos. I took her there for employment. I helped her obtain all necessary documents. I studied for the interview test with her and coached her. I also rehearsed her being interviewed by the panel. Ruth went through the tests and interviews successfully afterwards and got employed. Yet, I always knew that she could not endure some hardships with me for love’s sake, perhaps it was the reason I thought to help her get that job. If I was a selfish man who did not want her progress, would I have helped her? She started work at the bank and soon another man at the bank married her.
No wonder some men do not like to coach/ train a woman (financially invest in her) to maturity/success. I also cite the example of a friend of mine who financially helped a lady until she got into Yabatech, soon afterwards, this lady went and married a naval officer, instead of my friend. I’m not saying it is wrong to help train a girl (financially invest in a woman you intend to marry), but be sure that you trust her, that no matter how successful she is, she will not grow proud and forsake you. I know men, who were not sure, so they marry the lady and trained her from the marital home.
The set that I do not like at all, are men that marry women who are beautiful, well dressed, popular, successful/ on their way to success and soon they drain her/ drag her down or cage her. The moment these women marry such men, who obviously had no plans for them, they become nothing, their dreams die, their careers end, they even end up looking shabby and uncared for/ unkempt. I am now grateful to God for my own wife, yes, we are different in tribe and other areas but I just knew the moment I met her that she was the one. I can boldly say that I am a happily married man.
Yvonne says: (I hope you are listening ladies, Pray well and think carefully before you marry, because, once you marry the wrong man, half your life, perhaps the best part of your life, is gone).
Well, there you have it. My day at the cobbler’s turned into our true life’s lessons for the week. I must add that asides from going to school to get formally educated, it is also wise to get a skill or learn a craft that people need and will pay for because, it is better to be prepared than to be sorry. Nowadays, bosses may not really ask, what did you score/ graduate with?, they will ask, what can you do? Sometimes, perhaps that skill will make you your own boss. This is how Adam is able to provide for his wife and kids.
Please men, that some ladies you financially invested in turned around and married other people does not mean you should not render assistance, or that everyone will do same. Sometimes, you need to just do things, as unto God so that if you get disappointed, it will not bruise your ego so much. Perhaps God prevented you from marrying that particular lady to keep you from serious future problems.
Dear Ladies/ Gentlemen: it is true, sometimes when someone is walking to us from afar / the first time you meet, you just know that, he is not/or is, your husband/wife. God has given us instincts/insights to protect/guide us. Please, do not ignore it, it will save you from bad experiences and lots of trouble, and when you know, try not to miss your opportunity. Opportunities come and go but sometimes, you may never know till after some time, so watch and pray and think!
Also, please be wary (careful) of overtly jealous, insecure/ authoritative men/women who follow your every move and are already restricting your friends, career choices, where you go and do not go, what you eat/wear, your hair, your shoes, your style, the way you walk, how you play etcetera (especially when these characteristics do not go against God’s Principles). The moment you marry that man, you relinquish your power and must submit to him. So be very careful if you know that you already feel caged, he is trying to change major things that make you who you are, he is chasing all your friends away (so that he can have you totally to himself), in fact, your mother and everyone hardly accesses you nor sees you these days; you are unhappy and you feel limited/ bossed around/ boxed/manipulated, you have had to let go of some major careers; you do not go to Church for rehearsals one tenth as much, you look shabbier/unkempt because he cannot stand the notion that some other men will admire you (that they admire you does not mean you will follow them now!); you do not smile at any males when he is around, you do not even laugh with women so much these days!
Be careful of men who have no dreams or smaller dreams than yours and will not help you achieve yours. They will also not celebrate your success. Also, be careful not to get arrogant and disrespectful due to your dreams/ successes. Do not undervalue your man because you are more successful. If you want his sincere support and love, you must still submit to his leadership whether more successful/not. Men too: Love your fiancées and wives, celebrate their successes, help them be successful, let them look better with you, not tattered and unkempt as your wives, because their success is your success too. Marriage to the wrong one is equal to half of the best part of your life’s sum total gone/ dead. Please, pray well o! Ask for your Pastor’s opinion and for prayers too. Ask your parent’s opinion and prayers too. In the multitude of counsel, there is SAFETY!
In conclusion: when you lie, the truth eventually comes out and sometimes; the person immediately knows you just told a lie. Why spoil your chances of earning your loved ones’ trust? (as Kemi did). Also, there is a reason you did not marry your ex. Leave them in your past, do not bring them into your present/ future. Share that with your spouse. Know when to firmly place your ex where they belong, (in your past!). Until this time, next week, stay blessed!
… AND I LOVE YOU WITH THE LOVE OF GOD!
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